It's so much easier to speak on here than elsewhere. Sometimes I feel paper and ink are too condescending.
I have a lot to talk about, but I would rather not post it on here, you know? I don't want to be the person who "bitches out" another online instead of doing it in person.
So instead, I'm compiling a list of costume ideas for Halloween. All I have right now is Peter Pan. I have green tights and an old pair of moccasins, so that's why I thought of that.

A week ago I picked up The Wombats record, A Guide To Love, Loss & Desperation. I've been through the album three consecutive times already and I just cannot get over their upbeat tempo and catchy lyrics. I definitely consider this my Summer of 08 CD.

boomp3.com

After over a year without a sharp object even brought close to my head, I am calling in to any hair salon in the area to chop off my precious locks. I can't believe it's been over a year without anything done to it except the occasional self bangs work. I'm going back to something short and I hope to have a good upkeep with it. I just can't take having to deal with it all the time.

My socializing has boiled down to whatever I can get between my mother and father. I am a recluse.

I've been extremely frustrated and stressed out these past few days. Today I just found out that a friend of mine is not coming out. I'm glad I called because she was supposed to come tomorrow. I'm just upset because I requested off work and it was all for nothing. Now I have two weeks without working, and it's going to really hurt my income. I need to pay for college. Now I just wasted a week of workdays for nothing.

I just want a heads up before I waste my time.

I find it really frustrating and somewhat insulting when people want to hang out with me because I have other friends coming to visit. Am I just not good enough for any other time?

I'm also insulted that I have been told I need some "self-reflection". I think I have become fairly complacent with that concept. If you would do some on your own, I feel that you would find out how much of an awful person you are. Being an only child, you have your parents on a chain and trained to do whatever you desire. You don't have to worry about payment for a very nice private school, while I am struggling to pay for a highly populated and in-state public school. Sorry, but your boyfriend is a complete failure at life. He has decided his last option would be to go into the Army. He dropped out of college in the first semester, so how does he expect to get a good job with only a high school education? I hope you will be happy with your murderer of Afghani and Iraqi civilians.

Life was handed to you on a silver platter, fed into your fucking mouth with a silver spoon. Reflect on that.

I feel somewhat on edge these past few days and I am not certain of the cause. It could be a lack of sleep, due to my habitual late hours despite the fact that I must awake early nearly every day. Maybe it's a seemingly constant work schedule, always waiting for the coveted one day off a week. is it the fact that I somewhat lost one of the people I can talk about serious things to?

I think that it mainly falls on the fact that I'm just constantly waiting for August 23rd to roll around the corner so I can return to school. And it is barely mid June.

The things I look forward to in life are just on a day to day basis other than that. Constantly thinking in my head, "Just two more hours and I can go home," while glancing up at the clock as I am midway through brewing another pot of Colombian Supremo. "Tomorrow I get to hang out with so-and-so. I don't know what we're doing, but at least it's a break from here and home."

My hands look rougher than before. I have too many calluses. They are reserved for the boys with clumsy fingers plucking on strings, not for a girl who barely has time to pick up a guitar but enough to just sleep and sleep and sleep. Awaking when a loud local car dealer commercial pops upon the television screen.

The eating habits are off. I feel as if I barely have enough time to sit down and eat a real meal in the day. I need to catch up on my sleep. On my socializing with friends from school, also hell bent on wanting to return as soon as possible.

I need this trip to the beach in July. I don't care if it is with some relatives I cannot stand. It will be perfectly fine with me, for it will all be about relaxation for me, instead of providing it for others.

I have successfully and finally planned out a trip to visit Lauren in New Jersey for the end of the month. I will be spending part of the weekend at her house, and then we're going to go see some live music. The choice is between Math The Band or seeing her boyfriend Kyle and others play at this fundraiser festival of sorts. Either would be fine by me, because I just want to hang out with my close friend.

It's so strange, being back home from school. I've probably said it plenty of times, but I really have nothing fun to do here. I work six days a week, and only have Fridays off. And it is very hard for me to do something at night, considering I work mostly opening jobs and would have no willpower to wake up that next day. When I'm not working, I'm usually doing absolutely nothing or either hanging out with Gillian, Wes or Carrie. Sometimes Christi as well.

I just really want to go back to school. I miss it so so much. I've been wanting to go back since the first week I've been here. People keep saying that it will change, but I highly doubt it. School is my new home now.

Broken down from the bikes and bars
Suspended like spirits over speeding cars.

I wish I was the one who wrote that. I have very little depth when it comes to my writing. If you can call this writing. Horrible horrible imagery. It's as if I'm grabbing a handful of sand, yet it slips through my fingers no matter how hard I clench my fist.

Working is the only normalicy I have at home. The attempt to spend some time with high school friends went downhill, considering being out of the loop for a long time leaves me with nothing to join in with. Alyssa and I discussed this in the car, as we were driving to her house to pick up a movie and some drinks. There is such a difference we hold at our schools, and we prefer that life over this one back home. Home life has no more appeal, and we would rather go back to how we like it. Go back to what we choose instead of what we were given due to birth.

Alyssa has always been such a good, constant friend in my life. During the middle school days, full of the sixth grade drama, we decided to keep it cool and stay out of the ridiculous nonsense the other girls decided to bury their heads in. Watching "A Walk To Remember" at an 8th grade sleepover, and not having the emotional connection the other girls were. "It's just a poorly scripted movie," we thought. Attempting to stay together during the high school years, despite the now ever present differences in our hobbies and interests. Leaving the high school and hanging out with another, out of town crowd while she stuck around to her studies. In the end, we always fell back into place. Maybe it has to do with our close comfort to each other, knowing things that the rest of the girls were left out on. Having experiences that forced us to leave behind childhood and grow up too quickly.

I remember the night my family found out that my grandmother had finally passed, suffering Alzheimer's for five years. Alyssa invited me to spend the night to get out of the house and to clear my head. Out of all my friends, she was the only one there to comfort me. To give me a place to stay and let all of my feelings out. No one else took notice, being too busy with remembering whom they were having their 9th grade tiffs with. Only her.

What she did for me that night still affects how I feel about the others to this day.

Freshman Year 2007-2008

Best Show:
November 2nd: The Thermals with The War On Drugs and Reporter
Honorable Mentions:
February 8th: Joe Jack Talcum of The Dead Milkmen, Alarm Clark!, and others. (This being the show I played.)
December 1st: M.I.A.
April 9th & 10th: Explosions In The Sky

Favorite Applebee's Moment: Discovering Ron and Harry on the first venture to said establishment with Lauren and company.
Favorite Qdoba Moment: Seeing Lenore beat Brian in an arm wrestling match, which in part spurred a workout regiment from Brian.

Longest Time Spent In J. Esposito:
Pushing the five hour mark.

Best Days:
February 8th-9th:
When Gillian came to visit and I played my first show at The A-Space. Finishing off bottles of Olde English. The Chinese food place we went into only minutes before caught on fire. Laughing drunkedly in the back seat. Going back to Peabody and eating some of Jude's baked goods in the early early AM.

October 11th:
Going to see OF MONTREAL with Lenore and Libby. Dressing up in a ridiculous outfit consisting of too much metallic and lame golds. Having a massive dance party, in which I worked my way to the very front of the stage and touched THE Kevin Barnes. Vowing to not wash my hand ever again, only to go to the bathroom and wash it.

Thanksgiving Weekend:
Coming home to see my closer high school friends. We were already changing a lot and growing distant. Spending my first night at the Kutz household, where I was still going at 4am.



Photographs:











That is all I have for now.

After almost a year in Philadelphia, I'm back in my hometown for a long three months of working behind counters and serving up coffees for the summer. This will be good for me though, because I need the money to pay for another year at school. Today was absolutely hectic though, considering it's graduation for the town's local university. I made some good money via tips though and I really got thrown into the mix to prepare me for the rest of the time I'm here. Which actually, won't be as bad considering things will slow completely down after this.

I'm already planning my trip back out to Philadelphia in two weeks. I'm going to see a show with Garet and most likely spend the weekend at his house.

It's not even 5:30 and I am completely exhausted, which isn't very good because I have babysitting to do in about an hour. Then another early morning opening at the cafe.

Yesterday I did the deed. I had been contemplating it for quite some time now. For a few months actually. So with a little encouragement from Garet, I went down to Infinite Body Piercing on South Street and got my septum done. I just have a retainer for now, but In about six weeks I'll be able to get the barbell. I'm really glad that I did it, and it doesn't look half bad either. It'll take a little getting used to, but I feel good about it. One plus is that I can easily flip it up into my nostrils and it becomes invisible.

I have found a new pop culture item to love, and it is ADVENTURE TIME!

Today is my last day of classes, the last day of being a freshman at Temple University. It's really mind blowing, how quickly the year has gone by. I was talking to a classmate in my Writing for Journalism class about this, and we both hope that not all of our years hear are like that. This is such a huge buffer between young adulthood and getting out into the real working world.

What am I supposed to be feeling in this newfound relationship? It is just all very new and confusing to me. I still feel like we're close friends. Maybe that's the problem with me. The only time I have ever gotten involved, we didn't do anything about it. It was just a close friendship. A friendship with possible benefits. The availability of a quick fool around if needed, though never practiced. Relationships like that are what I'm used to. Used, but using him right back.

I guess I just fear using this person. I fear being unfaithful in the end. I fear not being right, being coldhearted and hurtful. Putting up my high brick walls around me, with no door or window to crawl through.

I feel like such a sore loser now. But I feel so angered about the whole situation of not getting a position on the literary magazine. I'm still just a regular member. I guess all the input I put in this year doesn't count for the long haul. I've missed the past two meetings, but the situation was completely out of my hand. Yet an individual missed an entire month of Thursday meetings at the beginning of the year and still gains the position of secretary? I'm just being bitter, but I highly doubt that going out drinking is a valuable reason to miss meetings. Halloween, I showed up. Valentines Day, I showed up. I feel gipped.

But life isn't fair. Life goes on, no matter what happens.

I've begun my newly acquired Moleskine recently. I feel really happy about that. I need to keep going with it though. Then I can chalk up one neat thing about me.

I seem to be filling my music listening time with Saves The Day. Or really just Chris Conley and whoever happens to be playing with him at this moment in time.

I get my Diamondback bike today. Well, it's not really mine, but it is as good as mine. I can't believe how much Bucknell University students throw out at the end of the year. And nice things at that.

I can't believe I let this get behind, but I can honestly say I've had quite the busy and music filled week lately.



Saturday:
Today was the Kimya Dawson show I had been waiting weeks for. Being sold out and filled to the brim, I was surprised that they thought to have the show in the chapel of the First Unitarian Church. Lauren, her boyfriend Kyle, and I scored prime floor space to watch Kimya sing her stuff. The one problem I had with the show was the crowd. It was completely different than I expected, it seemingly being populated with "Juno" fans. So there were only a few of us singing along. We went to dinner with a few other people at a vegan chinese place. It was delicious.

Sunday:
Owen! He was simply marvelous and could crack quite a good joke.
"So there are three tampons walking down the street. A light, a regular, and a super. Which one says hello to you first?"
*Shoutings of either of the three*
"Well none. Because they're all stuck up bitches."
The music was fantastic, and I caught myself singing along to his damn brilliant lyrics.

Tuesday:
Hyphen Literary Magazine meeting. We went over some of the publishing problems and then saw on the screen how it would look in color. It's going to be fantastic, and I can't wait until it comes out.



Wednesday:
Day one of a two day Explosions In The Sky extravaganza. I took the subway down with Libby, Colleen, and Jackee and eventually met up with Lauren and Kyle there. Colleen's beau was also present, as well as a million people Jackee knows. It's so true, she knows everybody. The funny thing is that she's not even from Philadelphia. Long Island.
Getting on to the music, Explosions In The Sky were BRILLIANT. There is no other way I can put it. I felt reborn and rejuvenated. I kept myself flowing to the music and lost myself completely in it that night. I walked back to the subway station in utter amazement, laughing and almost crying. They were quite overwhelming.

Thursday:
Day two of the Explosions In The Sky extravaganza. I met Garet at the show and promptly tried to find a spot as close to the stage as possible. I had a received a call that my friend Erin from back home was going to be there, so I had to find her. I was so excited to see a familiar face from home, and we caught up on a lot of things. Lichens started up, so we somewhat watched and somewhat talked. For me, it was just really hard for me to concentrate on.
Soon enough though, Explosions got on stage and it just went from there. "Your Hand In Mine" began to play, and seeing no results after a minute into the song, I nudged Garet and grabbed his hand.


Now today is Friday. Just two classes, Intellectual Heritage and American History 1877-Present. After this, I get to make my way to 30th Street Station to spend my birthday weekend with Lauren and Libby back home. I am so excited to go home and see my family and some close friends. It's going to be quite good.

Receiving my financial aid award yesterday was as a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. With this, I can now pay for my tuition out of pocket instead of having to take out more loans. My brother just received his letter from Penn State, and he was left with nothing. I don't understand. I would expect Penn State to keep it up, not Temple.

State + Local Politics was cancelled today, so that left me with no classes. So now I have to read the assigned book for said class before the weekend, and then go to the gym at 2pm. I want to start this Tuesday/Thursday pattern. I have nothing better to do anyway.

But finally, Hyphen Literary Magazine meetings are starting up again, so we're going to look over the layout and see what works.

So. There's someone slowly but surely entering my life.

My First Piano - Luke Brandfon

Thank you Philadelphia for granting me that gorgeous late afternoon weather. I really needed it. I must have found the easy New York Times crossword puzzle yesterday, because this one is near impossible. I have a measly three words filled in.

Boris Smile - Gina Stine #9

Cleaning your living space is like cleaning your mind. Take out all of the clutter, all the useless things that have been piling up. Dust off your collectibles. Wash everything. Sit down. Relax. Fold laundry. Put it away properly. Use fresh, crisp and clean linens. Choose a different color. A different pattern. Something new, to hopefully change your sleep patterns. Maybe this floral will bring sweet dreams, unlike the cold, hard stripes currently gracing your uncomfortable, metal framed mattress.

Jose Gonzalez - Heartbeats (The Knife Cover)

I have an explination for the lull in posts, and that is due to my current residency in Chapel Hill, North Carolina. Everything is going quite well here. My Aunt Dorothy and her now husband Brian, who I'm still going to call so, had their small ceremony last night in their house, and then a small reception afterwards. It was really nice. I felt somewhat underdressed, due to my more relaxed dress and lack of anything fancy, but I still had a good time. I remember my cousin Shawn coming up to me and saying "Dot's on her fourth glass of wine now. Oh man." Haha.

It was really nice though, just seeing a small snippet of the family. And I met some new and interesting people as well. Like Dan and Neil, the two high school sophmore twins from Chicago. Well, I mainly talked to Dan, but he is very personable and talented in music. He plays upright bass, both clasically and in jazz. Impressive. I think they're coming to the family beach house in July? So that will be fun. I'm planning on bringing my guitar to that, so we'll get a jam going.

I find it funny how I go to Temple University and I own no team spirit merchandise. Yet the first store I go into at Chapel Hill, I come out with a UNC sweatshirt. My priorities need a little reshaping.

Going now. There's a plan do drive the country roads in the mix before I hop onto the plane back to Philthy.

Today it's taking the train to the Philadelphia International Airport and catching that flight to Raleigh, North Carolina for the weekend. It should be really nice there. At least, I hope it's going to be really nice there. I need some sunny weather.

Before that however, I need to go to Intellectual Heritage. And since the train I want to catch leaves at 11:59, I'm going to be sprinting back to my room and sprinting down to the train. I should make sure everything is packed up right now. That would be bad if I wasn't prepared.

"The Knife" by The Fashion

It's raining today. How dreadful. How awful. But there was this one moment today, where the sun somehow broke through the clouds. The Temple University landscape became more welcoming and warm, the grass reached it's little blades out of the ground, the buds on the trees seemed to shiver with anticipation, and my roommate yanked the curtains shut, drowning out all light and making the dismal 14' x 10' room into an isolated cave.

A piece of the ice shelf as large as Connecticut breaking off? People selling babies for meth on Craigslist? Women using their children to shoplift from Sears?

What the fuck world.

It's such a pleasant day out today. I'm completely comfortable in just a zip-up and jeans. American History is going to slay me today, just like it always has. I just can't stand that class at all. It's pointless, the professor is dull beyond belief, and the class is hardly active. I think the majority of us are half assing it just to get it off the list of core classes. The class is just so ridiculous.

I have a really difficult time sitting down and getting to work these days. Alright, that is a complete lie. I have ALWAYS had a difficult time sitting down and getting to work. I have finished one essay, or memo, for American Art History. The one where I had to write about a painting I saw. Which is Whistler's Nocturne if you wanted to know.

I am currently trying to get an essay on Japanese American Internment underway for American History. Which is due tomorrow as a matter of fact. It's three o'clock, and all I have is the first paragraph down. It is turning out more difficult than I thought. I know it is awful, but I am highly considering just copying and pasting information from various websites, rearranging it all, and then posting it on Blackboard by tonight. I know it is awful, but there are so many things that I need to get done before I get on that plane Friday. The fact that I absolutely loathe the class (mainly in part because of the professor) is certainly the major factor of my unwillingness to put effort into this assignment. Frankly, I could really care less.

On a musical note, Death Cab For Cutie recently released a new single titled "I Will Possess Your Heart". If you haven't listened to it yet, I highly recommend that you do. Their upcoming album Narrow Stairs will be released in May, and I will definitely be one of the first to pick it up.


P.S. The Hills was fabulous last night. I hope to see more of that darling French man in future episodes.

These late night American Art classes are wearing me out, but I am getting so much out of them. I can't believe how much I have learned in that class, and it's enough to sway me to a new major.

I wish I was as talented in photography as my peers. I don't think I could ever become a professional photographer, but I yearn to be it so much. Honestly, I don't know anything about photography, but I try so hard to understand it. I've never taken a class, or read a book, or have shadowed off of anyone else except my father. I have passion for it, but I feel it is not as great as others. I have so much doubt in me, that I'll never shine through or do things as great as others. But I hope so much to do so. I really want it. I feel empty without some sort of camera in my bag, just in case something extraordinary happens in my presence.

Now for lighter news. Much lighter. The return of my life is not entirely back, but at least The Hills have returned into my late Monday nights.

Well, today was actually a somewhat decent day. I went with a girl who lives across the hall from me, Marin, and her school friend to the Philadelphia Art Museum. It was really nice. I needed the serenity of looking at paintings, gazing at the brilliant works people can develop from their minds to canvas. We went to the American Art wing, a place I hadn't been to since I went on a middle school field trip. Even then, I didn't get very far into it before turning around. It was quite amazing, exploring all the nooks and crannies of the museum. I found the little, dimly lit room that held the Degas pastels, and I was just blown away to see his work up close. Also, I was able to gaze lovingly at his statue of the fourteen year old dancer, with the aging tutu and hair ribbon in tact. I was just...awed. Artwork brings out the awe factor in me.

I haven't talked to Libby at all, and I told her to get back to me. But you know what? I don't really mind anymore. It's okay now. If I lose her as a friend, I guess it was just for the best. These things are just too tiring for me, trying to figure it out. At the end of the day, I have really great friends here. Friends who call me. Friends who want to hang out with me. Friends who remember me. Friends who want to do something because they enjoy my company, not because they are bored.

Next weekend I'm going out to North Carolina. I really need this vacation, and it will be nice to catch some nice weather.

Download Of The Day:

Bride & Groom Hot Air Balloon by Hop Along, Queen Ansleis

I tend to start blogs very often, and these blogs tend to just fall apart within the first month or week of using them. I'm not sure how long this one will last, but I'm hoping it will last me throughout my time in Philadelphia.

So let's get a few things straight. I am currently a freshman at Temple University in Philthy Philadelphia. I am supposedly majoring in photojournalism, but I will see how long that lasts for me. I tend to change my mind very often, but never put my mind's decisions into physical action. This is true considering that for the one semester I have been here, I have contemplated changes from art history to as far fetched as chemistry. If I would actually spend time on changing my department, I would have a huge hassle jumping back and forth between these things.

As you can tell, I really have no idea what I want to do with my life. All I can think about is how I yearn to visit every inch of the earth. I want to swim underwater with the blue whales. I want to drink wine at a back alley cafe in France. I want to sit cross legged on the floor, dining on naan in a fellow's house in India. I want to see it all. Those are my only plans for the future after I get out of college.

I enjoy plenty of things, but I just can't tell you what yet. You'll have to find out for yourself as time goes by.